Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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