I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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