dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
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so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
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When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
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