turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
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Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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