he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
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Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
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Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
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