Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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