he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
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He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
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"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
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