i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
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My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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