Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
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I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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