Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
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And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
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I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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