I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
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He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
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Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
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