dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
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How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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