Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
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All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
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When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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