If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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