I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize