Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
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Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
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Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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