dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
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woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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