I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
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He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
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I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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