the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Another day, another engagement, another cat
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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