Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
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Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
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and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
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