you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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