Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Randomize