Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
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The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
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It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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