I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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