she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
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i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
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Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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