don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
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I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
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When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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