I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
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