The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
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