Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
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I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
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I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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