I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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