I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
im six kinds of drunk right now
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
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I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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