If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
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The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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