i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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