Pants 0. Shit 1.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
as a side note pls kill me
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
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