being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
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thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
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We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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