Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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