Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
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I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
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I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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