I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
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She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
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Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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