He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
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New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
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Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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