This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize