Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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