I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
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