the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
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Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
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He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize