I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
You dont lie about slip and slides
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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