yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
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I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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