hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize