somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize