...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
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Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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