can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
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He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
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Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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