I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
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